We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
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My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now