I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
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Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.