[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
You Might Also Like
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Muppet Screams
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.