People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
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My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
emergency phone
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
And then there were 4
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
My apartment is a mess, I should move