I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
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Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
i think my razor is having a panic attack
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule