“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
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My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus