My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
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911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Kids: Stay in school.
🙄😏😂🤣
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
When you can’t find your friend Neil