*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.