As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
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This hospital has everything
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed