[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
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burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.