There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
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Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
don’t we all
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.