I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
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*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
felt that
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.