As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Lmao
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*