Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
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If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
God has left this place
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Rooting for the overdog
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.