I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
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No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito