I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
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My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.