Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
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Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Bed should get ready for ME