the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
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Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.