Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
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If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
thinking about a very short hotdog
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.