Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
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A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
new wife guy just dropped
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.