*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
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Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs