My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
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I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one