Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
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Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain