I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
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Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.