Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
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In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
groan^2
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY