My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
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*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors