Still my favorite television listing of all time:
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her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I think my mom just blocked me
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”