Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
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Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
My beach vacation Google searches
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired