A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
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[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
HOW DARE YOU
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.