The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
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Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Plumber: I think I found the problem
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry