My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
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Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
never deleting this app.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…