Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*