I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
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Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Pigeon open mic night.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.