The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
smartest karate player in the world
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.