Sign of the times. đ
#Hoarders #COVIDăź19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
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I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who donât believe in vaccines?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHOâS READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i canât stand ice skating
me: youâll be able to with practice
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: Iâd do it for a Costco hot dog.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
When Iâm old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
⢠Jerry Springer
⢠hoptimus prime
⢠Legatron
⢠Jumpford & sons
⢠meredith
⢠billy BOIIIING thorton
⢠beyouncÊ
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, Iâve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socratesâs funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
WIFE: Itâs your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not âbecause of something I did.â Thanks Dad.
Me: [2013] I donât trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and weâre moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I havenât relaxed since.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE