I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
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I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?