I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
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My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.