Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
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I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
HR said no more nunchucks.
They’re not wrong
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early