Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
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Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms