My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
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Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
HERE’S MARKY
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on