i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
You Might Also Like
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?