Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
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A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.