[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
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When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
calling in to work dehydrated
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.