Added some new forms of payment to this store…
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From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.