Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
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Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no