My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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KFC hitting the cannibal market
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.