Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
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God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.