Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
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I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
🙁