Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
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[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.