Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
You Might Also Like
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now